I’m not a reality TV show watcher, but I do for some odd reason love Sister Wives. In fact I just got done binge watching season 9 on Hulu. For this blog post please set aside all the religious beliefs about polygamy and those polygamists wearing the old western dresses with hair that looks like a Little House on the Prairie nightmare, put those people out of your mind. I’m talking about modern polygamy.

I’ve watched every single episode of Big Love and Sister Wives. I have analyzed that about myself and this might be why, but first I have to digress a bit to make sense; walk with me I’ll get to the point.  I am working on an article about the horror genre for the Brains to Books cyber con because of this I am talking to different people about which horror genre appeals to them. My cousin loves watching movies like Saw, The Purge when I asked her what attracted her to those movies. She told me that she would become fascinated with the idea of what would she do in that situation. How would she survive it?

Maybe, that’s why I watched Big Love and still watch polygamy shows. Could I do that? Could I handle 3, 4, whatever sister wives because come’on ladies the question is not whether you can handle the man, it’s whether you can tolerate the other wives.  Ugh, I hate the term “sister wife.” I don’t know why I find that seedy. If I was a one and had to introduce another one to people as in “this is Julie, my sister wife”  ewww, that sounds jeeez I don’t know what it sounds like. It sounds like, not right that’s what it sounds like. Possibly because I am a horror author but if you were to say to me without me having any knowledge of what it meant “you are going to become a sister wife.” I would assume that my life was about to turn into a very sordid sticky place. I don’t find the words “sister wife” appealing and I don’t know what I would replace it with.

Let’s set my dislike for the term aside, could I handle it?  Thinking on it there’s lots of good that I can think of. First thing is the worry if your man is cheating should be out of the question, when he’s with the other women you know who she is, where she lives, and you had coffee with her yesterday.  If you’ve got a kids and you trust your sister wives you can co-op babysit with all of them, that’s appealing.

Maybe you’re a very independent type of woman, perhaps you like to be on your own but still want some male companionship, a couple kids but not fulltime dude in the house stuff. Polygamy gives you a man on loan, like a library book; a guy in bed a couple nights a week, wink wink.

All of this is just theories of mine, different ways of looking at why women choose this lifestyle that doesn’t involve their religious beliefs. Could I handle being a polygamist wife? Not sure, I’ve been married for 18 years and the thought of having the lady next door deal with him when he’s grumpy, is interesting. I know when my hubby isn’t home its Little Caesar’s pizza for dinner; not cooking all the time also gets my attention.  Or the thought that I would have the Xbox to myself several days a week, perks my ears up.

I can hear everyone now, scoffing at me looking at the arrangement so coldly without feeling, without pain or jealousy. Again, I’ve been married for 18 years the hearts and flowers, little baby bunny running through the field of love is done for me. I don’t have the patience for it. At this point the idea of getting laid and having an Xbox to myself several times a week sounds pretty damn good. I’ve mentioned the Xbox several times, sorry about that. I am a gamer.

I wrote all of the above to get to my biggest question of all. Why aren’t there female polygamists that are the family lead?  I think the biggest reason is a woman couldn’t have babies for 3 husbands, her vagina would fall out and crawl away like a beaten animal, so let’s set that aside; forget the babies thing.

Maybe there’s let’s say three guys that want a wife, but are busy doing guy things like I don’t know, bowling. Why couldn’t those three guys share one wife?  I’ve asked this to groups of women when discussing the Sister Wives reality show. A hundred percent of the time the ladies all huff and say “no thanks….” “oh no…no….no..” Then they walk away quickly as if I’m going to pop out husband number 2 from my pocket and make them take him home.  

I ask the same question to myself, could I be a polygamist wife of 3 men?  Instantly, the answer is yes.  I could totally handle it if I had every 4th night off. I could have a secret cave where I could sit in silence, drink wine and not cook.  Then I think on it, would my vagina also crawl away like a beaten animal after handling 3 husbands for years?

I wonder about this crazy stuff while I watch Sister Wives. I watch Mary cry, Christine bitch, Robin stress and the big blonde one analyze herself all while questioning if Cody is secretly taking naps all over the place in order to keep up with everything. He probably has a secret nap spot the camera crew hasn’t found.

There’s no point to this, other than I would love to sit down with the Brown family and not go over their jealousies, sex lives, kids, who cares about that. I want to see their bank statements. I want to see what their monthly electric bill looks like in those Los Vegas summers. I want to know on a average month what’s the grocery bill combined for all of them. That’s seriously interesting, who gives a crap how they are handling their sex lives. Cody seems to be doing just fine there are a slew of his kids all over the place.

Most of all I want to see a polygamy show where the woman is the polygamist head of household and the hubbies discuss their relationships with her, it’s about time for that right?